i realised that this yr i've changed alot. i dont guard myself so much against other people anymore. i guess it's because i've found myself a really wonderful group of friends in the canoobs. i'm also less self-centered. i dun ask my parents for material stuff as much as before. i don't wish for things i cant have, most of the time i can keep myself in reality check.

but when i'm under pressure, like now, i revert back to my too independent, selfish, only-child ways..

like how i wish that i was the only one i need to worry about. like how i wish that other people wun unburden themselves on me freely without sparing a thot for me and my own problems. u need to learn to be strong for yourself! even if u cant find it in u, turn to God! He's going to be able to do more for u than i ever can alright?! i mean i really dun mind hearing others out, but pls spare me all that angsting and whining and i'll be perfectly fine with talking things thru with u.

it's not like i am oh-so-confident of myself. after i got to know my lane draws i've been really affected. and i have my own injuries too.. my left hand, my right shoulder, the perpetual pain in my right knee.. i'm hurting so much more than i let on.. because i know i need to be strong. what u said kinda, no really hurt me. i am not proud. i never thot i was a fast rower and all of that shit u said. u may have been joking, but that was really below the belt alright? u should know just as well as i do that everything i ever have belongs to God..

sigh.

but yknow what, i'll still be that friend u need. altho there's now this.. wall that's starting to build up, brick by brick with every thing u say that has the potential to.. i wun say hurt me, because u never did that until yesterday, more like affect me negatively. because i need to protect myself too right? i've got my own race to run, for God, for the team..

i'm sorry, i just feel like i will snap soon.

and it all looks pretty exaggerated in writing.

i should stop now.
GOD, please take me thru this.